Intervention
by Imaginarivalued
Summary: Nonchalant crack fic, or maybe a how OOC I can get them crap fic. Inspired by a fifteen year old girl on a donkey, or not.


Kakashi's uncovered eye blinked as he opened the door. "Hey…………what are you people doing in my apartment?" he asked, taking notice that the hokage and most of the leaf shinobis were present. "I don't think I've sent out the orgy party invitations yet."

Most of the people in the group twitched, especially Sakura, but not Anko, she just grinned and fingered the broken condom in her pocket and muttered something incoherent.

"Err……," Tsunade uttered, "that actually may be part of the discussion we wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh?" the white-haired jounin exclaimed as Gai lead him over to a chair. He swatted away the man's attempt to grope him before sitting down.

"Yes, you see……Kakashi, we, meaning everyone present, are concerned."

"Concerned? What, did Choji try to eat Akamaru again?"

"Well……yes, but that is a topic of discussion we will need to—Choji! Stop putting barbeque sauce on the dog!"

The fat shinobi sheepishly tucked the bottle away before yelping as both Akamaru and Kiba bit him to draw blood.

Tsunade coughed on a balled fist. "Anyways……I'll be straight with you, Kakashi. This isn't so much of a discussion than it is an intervention."

"An intervention?"

"Yes. As I said, we're concerned……because we believe you have an addiction problem."

The jounin sat up straighter in his chair. "L-look……I swear I d-didn't know it was heroine! That fifteen year old girl on a donkey—who I swear said she was eighteen—told me it was sprinkles!"

Everyone blinked.

"………………wait, what was this intervention about?"

Tsunade recovered and coughed again before spitting on Jiraiya for staring at her assets jiggle.

"Kakashi, you read too much of those Icha Icha Paradise novels."

Kakashi gasped. "I do **not** read too much Icha Icha! If anything, I read not enough!"

Tsunade's cranial artery pulsed. "Yes you do! And you're starting to create problems around the village."

"No I don't. I've been doing this inconspicuously for over ten years!"

"I really don't think meandering around the village and reading out loud in a nunnery can be described as 'inconspicuous'."

"I was just detailing the wondrous things they missed out on."

"And then the same event took place in an orphanage."

"It was bedtime. They needed a story."

"Then even later, at an S&M club."

"I thought it was an ANBU torture training facility."

"They were putting things in each other's……special no-no places!"

"I thought they were taking things in a new direction. You know, like new ninjutsus."

Tsunade sighed, controlling her anger by rubbing her temple with chakra infused fingers, which caused her assets to jiggle more.

Jiraiya got up. "I…………need to go………to the bathroom." With that, he walked, with an odd limp, to the restroom.

"The lotion is in the left cabinet!" Kakashi called out. He noticed the many stares. "I bet it's osteoporosis."

"Yeah, in the southern region of his bone-rrrr." Naruto muttered with a wry grin. The environmental response was a sharp jab in the stomach.

"Say something like that again and I'll make a cavern out of your tropical island."

Naruto could only whimper.

"Look," Tsunade said fiercely, "the conclusion we all made was that you cannot stop reading these perverted novels! So we decided to hold this intervention to help you overcome this addiction!"

"This is not an addiction!" Kakashi replied defiantly. "It is merely a constant hobby that does not interfere with my daily life whatsoever!"

"Yes it does! You're reading one right now, ignoring proper discourse manners!"

"Pfft! I say eye contact is overrated."

"The only two things people look at when talking to the old hag aren't her eyes." Naruto muttered again before he crumbled to the ground, holding his family jewels.

"Sakura…," Tsunade addressed with a sigh, "your treatment-that-is-closely-on-the-border-of-abuse of Naruto will be a topic later to be discussed."

The pink-haired medic-nin ceased grinding the blonde ninja's rectum with her heel and blushed.

The Hokage turned to the other side. "The same goes for Gai and Lee's……_youthful_, but extremely inappropriate behavior of exposition during staff meetings."

"Youth shall overcome all obstacles!" Gai declared and bolted out of the apartment through the window.

"Wait for me! Gai-sensei! I'll go get the vegetable oil and flower petals!"

"Hey," Asuma started as everyone stared at the Gai/Lee shaped holes in the wall and window, "at least he's stopped obsessing over the size of his youthful penis. And everyone else's, for that matter."

Nenji shivered.

"Exactly," Kakashi began, "Gai's the one with the real problem! Go after him! He pretends to be my rival and challenges me to contests, but all he does is try to grope me!"

"Gai and Lee are beyond help. Which is why they're going to be on the ANBU assassination list soon."

"Um…isn't that sort of extreme?"

"Not if you've seen what I've seen at four in the morning."

"…………………what?"

"………………let's just say, I had to burn my desk. Anyways, you have to get rid of all your Icha Icha books."

Kakashi stood up, the cloth covering his left eye slipping off, revealing his sharingan eye. "……………………………………you have better be fucking joking me."

"It's for your own good as well as the good of the village. You're making bad influences on the younger shinobis as well as sending bad messages to the parents."

"That is **not **true! Naruto's recent fetish with coating Sakura's panties with ramen was all Jiraiya's doing!"

"So it **was **you!" Sakura bellowed before smashing her fist into the unfortunate boy's face, sending him across the apartment and landing in front of a bored Shikamaru.

The shadow-using shinobi bent down to the fallen future Hokage. "Just a small piece of advice: learn to like it."

As he sat up, he absentmindedly rubbed a fan-shaped bruise on his buttocks, and giggled………or whimpered, he couldn't really tell the difference anymore.

"If anything," Kakashi continued, "I haven't made enough influences around here!"

Tsunade arched her eyebrow, which somehow also caused her assets to jiggle. "What? That's preposterous!"

"Is it? If I had passed on all my Icha Icha Paradise loving onto Sasuke, then the boy would still be here where all the hot women are, instead of with Orochimaru and a nest full of snakes, which, by the way, are not good bath toys."

He pulled out a rubber duck, patting it gently. "I'm sorry I ever tried to replace you, smoochie oochie."

"Whatever," Tsunade sighed in exasperation, and held out her hand, "just………give me that book."

After studying the number of shinobis and the locations of the exits, Kakashi sighed and reluctantly delivered the book into the hokage's outstretched hand.

The woman took the book with another hand, but her palm remained stretched.

Kakashi growled, took another book out of his back pocket, and gave it to the treacherous wench.

The hand remained.

After a few tension-filled moments, the jounin reached into his pants, and pulled out yet another book from his crotch area.

Tenten leaned aside and whispered _"you were right" _to Neji, who shivered.

Kakashi then watched in horror as Tsunade imploded the three books in her hand with chakra (the third book was held with the tip of her fingers, because there were some questionably, curvy white hair attached).

"There, there," Iruka consoled by patting on the crying man's shoulder, "you did the right thing. You're a very good boy." His hands were swatted away when it got too low.

Secretly under the facial cloth, Kakashi had a dark, shadowy, knowing smirk—

"You should know, Kakashi, that before we came here we made a side trip." Tsunade said.

Kakashi raised his head. "Huh?"

"For reasons unknown, Naruto had prior knowledge of the location where you secretly stash the rest of your novels," she paused to send a suspicious glare at the future of the village, "and so they are already disposed of."

"…………………………………………………………………………………………………kwah?"

"I……I'm sorry, Kakashi, but you have to under—"

"What did you do with my babies?"

"B-babies? W-well, we b-burned them as fuel for the heater in the hospital."

"…………………I spent my entire life savings on them."

"Which is a sign of an obsession."

"…………………from the very first edition."

"I know, it's hard, but you'll survive this and be a better person for it."

"…………………………………………………………………"

"K-kakashi?"

The addressed man did not acknowledge the Hokage and turned around, his back facing everyone else.

Iruka decided it was another good chance to cup a feel—to console his friend and stepped over when—

_woon!_

"What the? That sounded like a seal completion…"

_FLASH! _

Following the bright light, tendrils of blue lightning are seen sizzling where Kakashi's hand is.

The white-haired jounin turned around, his sharingan pulsing with a demonic red glare and his hand trembling with his chidori jutsu.

Everyone gasped.

"**_Muahahahaha!_**" Kakashi cackled, his eyes twisting in a maniacal manner, "_**today I shall feast on the barbeque-sauce-soaked pieces of your entrails! Then we shall see how much of an orgy party we can muster out of your corpses before they go cold!** **Kiahahahahaha!**"_

_FLASH!_

"Holy crap!"

"Protect your assholes, people!"

"Che. How troublesome."

"Good thing I'm not dying a virgin."

"What? So it **was** you, Naruto!"

"Aaaaahhhhh! I want to have your baby, Kakashi!"

"That's right, Anko! Go sacrifice yourself!"

"Me too!"

"Good for you, Iruka!"

"Stop trying to eat Akamaru ya fat slob!"

"Where the hell is that eighth bird?"

"Where is my bladed dildo when I need it?"

"Shut up you jackasses! What does it take for a guy to masturbate in peace?"

"I knew I should've done this inebriated."

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"_Well then, let the urination begin."_


End file.
